The FanFic No One Dared To Write
by authorwithissues
Summary: .:CRACK:. No one else has ever dared to write something like this. I am a pioneer. For you solid believers in Haji X Saya or Solomon X Saya, you may wish to run for your freaking lives. You will not survive should you dare to venture into this fic... T
1. Solomon Talks Smack, What?

_AWI: A word of warning, I have only seen up to episode 2 and bits and pieces of other episodes my sister gagged and tied me to a chair to watch as she held my eyes open with pliers or something along those lines. _

_Kasey: You are so melodramatic._

_AWI: Yuh huh. Moving on. So, the disclaimer: I claim nothing~! I just thought Solomon was damn sexy and decided to pair him with another damn sexy guy, mainly Haji. Oh, excuse me, the sexy man beasts._

_Celine: I like your way of thinking. *nosebleed*_

_AWI: Why, of course. Would you have it any other way? Now go tell your husband to stop giving me the Glare of Death, courtesy of Kanda from DGM, by the way._

* * *

Haji wandered down the sidewalk aimlessly. He was always at a loss for what to do whenever Saya was asleep and oftentimes would find himself just wandering anywhere and everywhere, paying the utmost attention but none at all to his surroundings at the same time.

Suddenly, an expensive-ass -car pulled up beside him, Solomon at the wheel. "Hey~ sexy~! How's it rolling? You know, I must say, your butt looks so attractive from this angle in this light. I can only begin to imagine what your ass would look like in-"

"Pardon me, but I must be on my way," Haji quickly stated before walking toward an alley to get _away_ from this crazy, horny Solomon.

However, this sexy man-beast was way too sexy for the dark, mysterious hunk of sexy to get away from so easily. In one bold move, the blond swerved his car onto the sidewalk, nearly hitting a good number of people in the process, and proceeded to continue driving alongside Haji. "Hey, sexy. Where're you going?"

Haji raised an eyebrow as he prepared to duck into an alleyway, when, suddenly, the voice of a certain member of Red Shield called out to him, "Haji!"

Solomon rolled his eyes. "Oh, great. It's the pedophile. Well, Haji dearest, I must be on my merry way or this pedo will totally try and rape me because of my dead sexy yet young and flourishing looks. Later!" And, blowing a kiss, the blond made a quick getaway off and sidewalk and down the street, tires screeching like hell.

Completely stunned for a moment, Haji stood with a slightly incredulous look on his face, thinking over what Solomon had just called David. _A pedophile? How is he a pedophile?_ But, shaking his head slightly, the mysterious man promptly ducked into the alley and successfully evaded David.

* * *

_Kelley: …A pedophile?_

_AWI: Yes. Why does everyone always question me on this? He totally is! The way he dresses and acts… he's like a freaking solemn Tyki! I swear he is! (Tyki is from DGM, by the way)_

_Tor: How exactly, again?_

_AWI: *sigh* He just is and you people are too simpleminded to comprehend my brilliant thinking._

_Celine: No worries. I am intelligent enough to understand why you think he's a pedophile._

_AWI(smug): Take _that_, world!_

_Michael: Right… So… maybe you should speak to the readers who are just reading this note in utter shock and disbelief?_

_AWI: Right. Well, I asked my sis if there were any good Solomon X Haji fics and she said there aren't any. People either pick Haji X Saya or Solomon X Saya. I disagree. Screw Saya. This is how Blood+ should work out: Haji X Solomon; David X Kai; and Saya X Lulu._

_Jack: Damn, you are a yaoi and yuri fan._

_Lacy: What is there a problem with that?_

_Jack: What- no! Not at all! (sweating bullets)_

_AWI: …For those of you going, 'What the crap us wrong with this author. I am going to flame the living crap out of her', feel free to. Flames will be used to make potatoes._

_Michael: …_Potatoes_?_

_Tor: Ooh~ I like it!_


	2. The Chapter Two No One Expected To See

_AWI: I'm back, friends!_

_Celine: Who want to kill you. They're completely pissed at you. It's going to piss them off even more that you're doing this instead of what you're _supposed_ to be doing. Honestly, I'm getting pissed at you myself._

_Jamie: I second that motion!_

_Kelley: What is _with_ all the courtroom stuff!_

_Michael: Never mind. Just get this show on the road. Maybe it will actually be longer than the last one…_

_Everyone: Hopefully…_

* * *

**The Chapter Two No One Ever Expected To See**

Kai sat atop the kitchen table in their current rented apartment, swinging his legs, staring down Haji all the while. Haji, meanwhile, completely ignored him, rosining his bow methodically. Just watching the man in his continuous work was enough to give Kai carpal tunnel. Saya looked up from the cake she had been shoveling her face with long enough to look cute before diving back in.

Suddenly, a white blur shot through one of the windows and into their room, slamming right into Saya and burying her completely in the icing and frosting. Haji's head shot up at Saya's muffled squeak, only to look directly into the crazed eyes of Solomon.

"Yo, Haji! How's it rollin'! Yo, ya know just las' week I aksed Amshel how his pedophilic activities were faring with Diva. He say they was goin' great 'til that Alexei popped up."

Everyone stared blankly at him, Saya and Haji with particularly miffed expressions. Oh, and Saya managed to dig herself out of the cake, by the way.

"Uh…" she started. "Alexei died, like, a hundred years ago, dude."

Kai's jaw dropped and he whipped around to stare at his sister/girlfriend. "S-S-Saya? Did you just say '_dude'_?"

She looked up at him with all the cuteness of a puppy and kitten cuddling with a chicklet penguin. Oh, how the half-incest raged. "Yes," she answered with all the innocence of a squirrel. "Why do you aks?"

The boy practically fainted at that. "What are you, _ghetto_?" he screamed. "That's it! I'm getting you the hell away from this smack-talking Solomon!"

Haji abruptly stood, his cello dropping to the floor like a stone and shattered like glass. Everyone gawked like chickens at the sight. "DON'T YOU _DARE_ TAKE MY SAYA AWAY FROM ME!" he roared.

After a few minutes of more ogling, Kai managed to re-figure out how to speak well enough to utter, "Uh, Haji, _he_'s Solomon. _You're_ Haji."

The man gave him a blank look for a moment before he suddenly dropped to his knees and began meticulously plucking up every shard from his shattered cello.

All present remained still for another moment longer before Solomon out of the blue glomped the sexy man-beast that was Haji right out the window.

They were not seen again for another two months.

* * *

_Vahl: Well… At least it was longer._

_Rose: I didn't find that one as funny._

_AWI: Oh, shut your face._

_Celine and Michael: Dear angry readers! Please deposit your flames in the review box just below! Thank you!_

_

* * *

_

_AWI: I was just reading a review just now and realized that I haven't put up a disclaimer yet!_

_Kasey: Gasp!_

_AWI: I _know_! It's scandalous! So, here it is- eh, Rose, if you would do the honors?_

_Rose: Sure! Nothing is claimed! We do not own Saya, Solomon, Haji, Kai, David, Amshel, Blood+, or any other affiliations! *sparkle sparkle*_

_Jamie: Well aren't you just _perfect_?_

_Kelley: Oh, shut your mouth, Puppy._

_Jamie: I have a name, you know._

_Everyone: _Puppy_. Right._

_

* * *

_

_AWI: _Okay_... _Another_ update._

_Tor: So many in so little time._

_AWI: Yeah, well, I just discovered something. My sister reviewed this story. Turns out it was from my account. It says I reviewed my own story. What. The. Hell._

_Celine: Ya know, I have side-jobs._

_Michael: Such as assasin-for-hire?_

_Celine: Exactly._

_AWI: Where do I sign up?_

_AWI: Another facinating update!_

_(Everyone groans)_

_Rose: So, what it is is that she changed the title of the fic from _The FanFic No One Else Ever Dared To Write_ to _The FanFic No One Dared To Write_. Yeah. _Big_ change._

_AWI: Shut up. I thought it was note-worthy._

_(Everyone shakes their heads 'no')_


	3. Haji's Rekidnapping

_AWI: Okies… I really wasn't going to write this originally. I was working on the 6__th__ chappie for _Messenger of Death_ when Aldedron was randomly like, "I wonder what would happen if Solomon and Haji played poker?" Obviously, that was WAY too good of material to pass up and this was born._

_Kasey: Well, THAT was unnecessarily long. We claim nothing._

* * *

**Chapter 3: Haji's Rekidnapping**

In a temporary HQ, Saya, Kai, David, Lewis, Lulu, Julia, and Joel were plotting on how to rekidnap their beloved Haji for several days, debating on whether or not it was worth it to retrieve the man in pieces. After many intense hours of discussion, a decision was made: No, they would not blow Haji up.

And so, it began.

"Alright. So, here's the plan. And make sure you listen carefully, as I am not repeating myself," announced Joel. "You six will fly in via helicopter; when you are seven miles from the destination, you will all drop into the water; there, an underwater platform will be waiting for you; hooked to it will be several packs of explosives; retrieve them and return to the surface; at exactly 1600 hours, a small plane will fly overhead and drop supplies for you; among said supplies will be three lifeboats; the pairings in them will be as follows: David and Julia, Kai and Saya, Lulu and Lewis; from there, you six will make your way to a buoy in the east; on said buoy will be motors to attach to your boats and thus you will be equipped with speed boats; make your way to shore, which will be six miles from the buoy; once you reach shore, discreetly make your way into the nearby town; a man will be selling apples; ask him if he has any brown ones; if he asks you what the hell you are talking about, he is not your man; if he says, "Why, yes. Yes we do have brown apples," tell him you want to buy two bushels; he will take you to the back of his store; there he will equip you with guns and grenades as well as a pack; after that, make your way to Solomon's mansion on the hill behind the town; in the pack given to you by the apple man, you will find a pizza delivery outfit for Julia and one steaming hot pizza; Julia will go up to the front door and distract everyone by showing off her boobs; then—

"Um, excuse me, Joel, but, can't we do something a little simpler?" Saya asked, her head spinning with all the instructions.

"No," he answered simply.

Everyone sighed and left the room. "So Joel is officially out of the picture," Lewis declared.

"Good," spat Lulu.

"So what are we going to do then?" inquired David.

And here Kai decided to show some smarts: "Why don't we just walk in the front door? His mansion is just across the street."

"What? But with the way Joel was talking, I figured it was somewhere by the ocean," commented David, giving Kai a look.

Said redhead crossed his arms and glared at the blond. "Well, I don't know what the hell he was talking about. Just look out a window, why don't you."

Everyone turned their eyes to the left to look out a window and were stunned to see Solomon's mansion RIGHT THERE.

"Whoa! When did _that_ get there!" Lulu shrieked. After everyone calmed down, Lulu decided to take action, walking out the door and crossing the street, the others following her lead. The little girl knocked politely on the door, though no one answered. "Well, nothin' for it, now!" The purple-haired girl whipped out her battle ax, swinging for the wall next to the door—just as said door was opened by a butler. However, it was too late, and the ax sliced through the wall, creating a giant-ass hole. The aforementioned butler stared before flying into a tirade that could be heard for miles.

Riku suddenly appeared before them all. "Hey! What's going on?" he asked, innocent as ever.

David made a move to pull Riku away from the angry butler, but Saya abruptly screamed. "Gah! Get away from my brother, you _pedophile_!" she screeched as she snatched her little brother away.

Everyone ganged up on David, giving him looks that could kill. He was saved a horrible death when his cell phone rang. Checking the caller ID, he announced that it was Joel, and put it to his ear. "Yes? What is it, Joel-danna?"

"Well, I spotted a few holes in my plan and have revamped it! So, here's what we're going to do—"

"My deepest apologies, Joel-danna, but now is not the best of times! I will call you back, my beloved danna." And then he hung up. But, when he looked up, everyone was gone, even the livid butler. "What the…"

Meanwhile…

"So… what's up Saya?" Riku asked, smiling like the angel he was.

"We're going to save Haji."

"Oh… well that's good."

Julia was crying in the background, sobbing over the revelation that David was gay.

Eventually, they reached a beautifully carved door. _Hm…_ thought everyone. _How are we going to find that sexy man-beast that we call Haji…_ Well… except for Riku. He was thinking: _Yum! Ponies and unicorns!_

David randomly appeared behind them and sniffed the air. "I smell Haji," he announced. Everyone jumped and stared at him, Julia with teary eyes. "What?" he asked after a minute.

"Um…" Kai began. "Just how gay _are_ you, David?"

"None of your business." Saya discreetly moved Riku as far away from said blond as humanly possible, Lewis doing the same for Lulu. "The point is that Haji is in that room right there."

After several minutes of nervous staring and inching away from the tall blond, Lulu jumped out from behind Lewis, yelling, "Oh, to hell with it!" and slamming her battle ax into the wall next to the door, making the second giant-ass hole of the day.

Everyone stepped through said hole to discover Solomon and Haji playing a game of poker… with Solomon half-naked. He looked up to them. "We were playing strip poker. He's _damn_ good, by the way." His gaze turned to the hole in his wall. "The door was unlocked, you know."

Saya pulled out her modified katana and leaped into action, slicing at the half-stripped, drop-dead sexy, blue-eyed blond, who neatly dodged the blade. "Haji!" she yelled. "Get out of here now!"

Said man leapt to his feet and dashed out. The fighting stopped immediately as everyone watched David stare at Haji's ass all the way out.

"…D-David! Do me a favor and _stop_ looking at my man!"

And thus, Haji was rekidnapped.

* * *

_Tor: What the hell? You're really adamant on the David being a pedophile, aren't you?_

_AWI: _And_ that he's secretly gay._

_Kelley: Get Riku the hell away from that man!_

_Celine: You know, there really wasn't much of the poker scene Aldedron so desired..._

_AWI: That's beside the point..._

_Everyone: No it's not._

_AWI: Everyone's ganging up on me! I'm not a pedophile like David, so back off!_

_Jamie: Never~!_

_Kelley: Heel! (Jamie heels) Good boy._

_Everyone: -sweatdrop- He really is like a dog..._

_AWI: Oh, and on a separate note, Aldedron has informed me that before I posted this story, nobody else seemed to think David was a pedophile. But, now, crack writers are saying that he is. If you ask me, _I_ started this wave, and I'm not even Blood+ savvy. So. basically, what I'm trying to say here is that I'm awesome. Thank you for listening._

_Celine (sarcastic): -snorts- Yeah. Awesome._


	4. And Everyone's Sexual Preferences Are

_Rose: What the hell are you doing, AWI?_

_AWI: Um… posting a story?_

_Rose: It's almost 4 in the morning._

_AWI: Yeah, I'm impressive, aren't I? By the way, me no own Blood+!_

**Chapter 4: And Everyone's Sexual Preferences Are… Revealed!**

Back at HQ, an awkward silence hung over the room like a dead goat, stinking it up and making everyone increasingly uncomfortable.

"Um…" ummed Saya.

"Um…" agreed Mao.

"Um!" the black-haired girl asserted.

"Um um uh um um," the other reasoned.

"Um," Saya snapped, pouting.

"What the hell are you two doing?" David deadpanned.

"None of your business, pedophile!" Mao shouted at him before backing away nervously.

The blond in question rolled his eyes, getting up from his seat to slip away into the kitchen. Everyone let out a sigh of relief, however the awkwardness had hardly vanished with the pedophile that had sparked it. Now, thanks to said pedo, they were all contemplating sexual preferences. All held curious expressions on their faces—except for Julia, who was bawling in her Emo Corner.

"Mou… Lulu?" Saya inquired shyly.

"What?" the other responded flatly.

"Has anyone ever given you… 'The Talk'?"

Instantly, all present tensed up, looking in any direction but near Lulu or Saya, a few whistling 'nonchalantly'.

"Why the _hell_ are you asking me that?" the purple-haired girl deadpanned.

"Just wondering." The other beamed at the girl innocently. The room seemed to suddenly fill with gumdrops and rainbows, not to mention ponies and unicorns. Riku hopped up and danced around, as he was in heaven. Haji, meanwhile, backed away nervously from his Queen. "So… have they?"

"…Uh… well… uh…no…"

In a split second, _everyone_ but Saya, Riku (who was still prancing around), and Lulu vacated the room. _Even Haji._ In the safety of the kitchen, everyone looked between each other in shock.

Eventually, Lewis managed to get his vocal chords working correctly again. "Who would have ever thought _Saya_ to be one to take advantage of innocent children such as Lulu?"

"I don't even _want_ to know!" announced Kai.

Unfortunately for all but the readers, no one noticed Solomon standing _just_ behind Haji… who suddenly 'eeped'. All movement and voices stopped, eyes turning to the tall man. He 'eeped' again, making everyone jump.

"Oh my God!" screamed Julia. "Solomon's groping Haji's butt!" The sexy babe's nose suddenly spurted blood and she passed out from blood loss.

All stared for a moment. "Holy crap, Julia's hot for yaoi," Kai said, completely freaked out.

Lewis absently looked up, only to notice that the two sexy man-beasts were suddenly absent from the room. "Uh… I think Haji's been kidnapped again…" However, no one was listening. Kai and David had also mysteriously vanished and those left were looking on in horror as Mao and Riku 'got it on'. "What the hell!" Lewis leaped forward, yanking the two apart. "What the hell is _wrong _with you two! I could have _sworn_ Riku was gay for ponies and unicorns! Why is he making out with _you_, Mao!"

The girl looked up at him with glazed eyes. "Oh. He is _good_!"

"Come on Mao…" Riku said in a silky, sultry voice. He opened a bedroom door, revealing a sexy party in full swing. The two disappeared into the sexy-ass room in question.

Now it was just Lewis and Joel left all alone in the kitchen (except for the unconscious Julia… but she's not important here). Each shrugged. "Ah what the hell." And got it _on_.

_Kelley: …_

_Kasey: …_

_Rose: …_

_Jamie: …_

_AWI: Oh, come on. Say something, already!_

_Celine: What the _hell_ was up with that?_

_AWI: Well, in chapter 1 I mentioned all the pairings I thought Blood+ should be and never got back to that. So this chappie made up for it._

_Kasey: …That was the _funkiest_ thing I have _ever_ read…_

_AWI: -sweatdrop- You _do_ realize you're in _my_ mind, right?_

_Kasey: Well, yeah, but in consequence, your imagination has made me read some pretty freaky stuff._

_AWI: …True… And I really won't be surprised if I get flamed for this chappie… At least the others had some _semblance_ of a plot… This was all just smooching…_

_Everyone (including AWI): …_


End file.
